


what knife through yonder ribcage breaks!

by LieutenantSaavik



Series: what if shakespeare but memes [4]
Category: Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: Multi, the gang's all here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 06:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantSaavik/pseuds/LieutenantSaavik
Summary: have you ever wondered what romeo and juliet would be like if there were gratuitous references to the great gatsby, and also lesbians? well, wonder no more.





	what knife through yonder ribcage breaks!

_The CHORUS, composed of the full cast of the play, enters and fans out across the stage._

**CHORUS:** Two households, both alike in dignity,  
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,  
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.  
They’ve fought each other for a long-ass time;  
It’s been like, ninety years. It’s kinda mean.  
The fathers, shockingly, fuck up the lives  
Of all their kids, and even of their wives,  
And Shakespeare likes to make the heteros cry,  
So at the end, Roro and Julie die.  
Spoiler alert! Their parents stop their feud,  
Delicious, finally good fucking food.

_The CHORUS flashes peace signs, finger-guns, and various other hand gestures people do when they awkwardly exit, and awkwardly exits._

 

**SCENE ONE, A NONSPECIFIC STREET.**

_SAMPSON and GREGORY, servants of the CAPULET FAMILY, enter wearing shirts that say “IT’S PRONOUNCED JIF.” They carry swords that also say “IT’S PRONOUNCED JIF.”_

_ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR, servants of the MONTAGUE FAMILY, enter wearing shirts that say “IT’S PRONOUNCED GIF.” They carry swords that also say “IT’S PRONOUNCED GIF.”_

**GREGORY:** Ey, here come the Montagues.

 **SAMPSON:** Let’s keep on the side of the law and get them to start a fight; then they’ll get in trouble.

 **GREGORY:** _(with the incorrect idea that he looks threatening)_ I’ll frown at them as they walk by!

 **SAMPSON:** That’s the pussiest idea I’ve ever heard, and you’re a disgrace. I’ll flip them off.

_SAMPSON flips off ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR as they pass by. ABRAHAM spins around a full 180 degrees._

**ABRAHAM:** Do you flip us off, sir?

 **SAMPSON:** I do flip off, sir.

 **ABRAHAM:** Do you flip _us_ off, sir?

 **SAMPSON:** _(to Gregory)_ Will I get in trouble if I say yeah?

 **GREGORY:** Yeah.

 **SAMPSON:** No, sir, I do not flip you off, sir, but I flip off, sir.

 **GREGORY:** Do you want to fight us, sir?

 **ABRAHAM:** Fight you, sir! No, sir.

 **GREGORY:** Then you’re a pussy, sir.

_They fight. None of them are very good at it. ENTER BENVOLIO, aka BENVO, aka BEN, who’s a lesbian because I wrote this and I say so._

**BENVOLIO:** Please make me do this the hard way. Hey! Stop fighting, guys!

_Obviously, saying “stop fighting, guys!” is not gonna make a swordfight stop, so the swordfight doesn’t stop._

**BENVOLIO:** Thank you kindly. _(She draws her own sword, which says “IT’S PRONOUNCED GIF,” and promptly disarms SAMPSON. ENTER TYBALT._

 **TYBALT:** Hey, I heard this scene needed more chaos? _(he sees BENVOLIO)_ Yo, Benvo, turn around so you can see the man who murders you!

 **BENVOLIO:** I would prefer not to. _(she disarms GREGORY)_ I’m just trying to keep peace.

 **TYBALT:** You can’t keep what doesn’t exist, bitch.

 **BENVOLIO:** _(she disarms ABRAHAM)_ Fair point. _(she disarms BALTHASAR)_ I’m trying to _make_ peace, then.

 **TYBALT:** Peace! I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee! Have at thee, coward!

 **BENVOLIO:** _(as she effortlessly parries his sword with one of the five swords she now carries)_ Christ, did you really just say that out loud? Without a shred of embarrassment? ‘I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee’? And they said Hamlet was a drama queen--

 **TYBALT:** Shut up!

_They fight. Enter CITIZENS with CLUBS, who also fight. Some clubs say “IT’S PRONOUNCED GIF,” some “IT’S PRONOUNCED JIF.” Shouts of “GIF!” “JIF!” “GIF!” “JIF!” rise above the fray._

**SAMPSON** ** _:_** Wait a minute. This is the “ancient grudge,” right? I get it; the gif-jif argument, tale as old as tide pods. But aren’t we supposed to “break to new mutiny”? What’s the new mutiny?

_TYBALT looks at BENVOLIO. BENVOLIO looks at TYBALT._

**TYBALT:** _(hollering)_ THE TOILET PAPER ROLL GOES—

 **CAPULETS:** UNDER!

 **MONTAGUES:** OVER!

_Everyone starts fighting again. Enter MONTAGUE._

**MONTAGUE:** Well this is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. Ey! Who’s fighting! I need names!

 **SAMPSON:** Sampson.

 **ABRAHAM:** Abraham.

 **BALTHASAR:** Balthasar.

 **BENVOLIO:** Isn’t it wild that they’re all named after characters from Veggietales?

 **MONTAGUE:** You mean people from the bible?

 **BENVOLIO:** Ew, what’s the bible?

_MONTAGUE heaves a heavy sigh._

**MONTAGUE:** Anyway… Benvolio, have you seen my son Romeo anywhere? I’m worried about him. He shuts himself up in his dark room all day, writes nonstop, and cries a lot. He’s got what I would call a, what was it? A ‘black and portentous humour.’

 **BENVOLIO:** _(solemnly)_ I diagnose him with Hamlet.

 **MONTAGUE:** He’s straight.

 **BENVOLIO:** Nevermind. Have you, like, asked him why he’s sad?

 **MONTAGUE:** You mean attempt open and honest communication with my child?  
**BENVOLIO:** Yeah.

 **MONTAGUE:** What father would do that? Of course not.

 **BENVOLIO:** Hey, here he comes. If you can’t talk to him properly, maybe I can.

_EXIT CAPULET. ENTER ROMEO. BENVO casually makes her way over to him._

**BENVOLIO:** _(exaggerated sad face)_ What sadness lengthens poor Romeo’s hours?

 **ROMEO:** _(dead serious)_ Not having that, which, having, makes them short.

 **BENVOLIO:**...Well, I would think so.

 **ROMEO:** I have fallen--

 **BENVOLIO:** In love?

 **ROMEO:** Out--

 **BENVOLIO:** Out of love?

 **ROMEO:** Out of favour!

 **BENVOLIO:** Oh, out of favour! Well, just between the two of us, dude, if you’re going around moping like that, it’s no wonder nobody wants to talk to you.

 **ROMEO:** _(solemnly)_ Ben, I have something to tell you.

 **BENVOLIO:** Oh?

 **ROMEO:** I’m in love!

 **BENVOLIO:** Oh?

 **ROMEO:** With a woman!

 **BENVOLIO:** Alas. That had all the set up, all the intrigue, all the _drama_ of a gay coming-out, and it was so disappointingly heterosexual. But I figured as much. What’s her name?

 **ROMEO:** Rosencrantz! I mean, uh, Rosalind? I mean, Rosaline.

 **BENVOLIO:** Tell me about her.

 **ROMEO:** O brawling love! O loving hate! O any thing of nothing first create! O heavy lightness! Serious vanity! Misshapen chaos--

 **BENVOLIO:** I’m sorry, what?

 **ROMEO:** I’m not finished. Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms! Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health! Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is! This love feel I that feel no love in this! Dost thou not laugh?

 **BENVOLIO:** Okay, I laugh a little. C’mon; there’s a party at the Capulets’ tonight. Wanna gate-crash with Merc and me? It might cheer you up a little; dramatic entrances make everyone feel better!

 **ROMEO:** _(glumly)_ Okay.

 **BENVOLIO:** And they said Hamlet was a drama queen. _(she puts her arm around Romeo’s shoulders and the two of them head offstage.)_

 

**SCENE TWO, A MORE SPECIFIC STREET: A STREET OUTSIDE THE CAPULET HOME.**

_CAPULET strides across the stage to GREGORY._

**CAPULET:** Find all the people on this list and invite them, in person, to my party.

_EXIT CAPULET._

**GREGORY:** I would, but I’m illiterate.

_ENTER BEN and ROMEO._

**GREGORY:** Hey there. Uh, can you guys… read?

 **ROMEO:** Unfortunately, yes. _(he takes the list from GREGORY)_ It’s an invitation for Mercutio, Rosaline, some other people, Tybalt, some other people, and… _(with a sly look toward BENVOLIO)_ and the two of us.

 **BENVOLIO:** Yes, we’re definitely invited. _(decisive nod)_

 **GREGORY:** Well, if you’re not Montagues, come on in. Hey… _(a suspicious look at BENVOLIO)_ haven’t I seen you before?

 **BENVOLIO:** Pshhh, nah. _(nervous laughter; she is rescued from what might have been an awkward confrontation by the dramatic entrance of MERCUTIO, aka MERC, who’s also lesbian because I wrote this and I say so. She carries two masks._

 **MERCUTIO:** Whassup! Glad you’re joining us, Ro--uh, I mean, person I’ve never met and is totally not a Montague. _(she hands ROMEO and BEN the masks)_

 **GREGORY:** It’s not a masquerade.

 **MERCUTIO:** It is now.

 **BENVOLIO:** Merc, you’re amazing. You’re neither a Montague nor a Capulet, so you can move between both families, hang out with people from either family, and you don’t have to pick a side!

 **MERCUTIO:** Maybe it’s a metaphor for being bisexual.

 **BENVOLIO:** I thought you were gay.

 **MERCUTIO:** I am.

_BENVOLIO laughs and crosses to the door._

**BENVOLIO:** Come, knock and enter; and no sooner in, but everyone betake them to their legs.

 **ROMEO:** What does that mean?

 **MERCUTIO:** It means we all throw down the second we’re in the room.

 **GREGORY:** It’s not a breakdancing competition.

 **MERCUTIO:** It is now. Come on in, not-Montagues.

 **ROMEO:** I can’t.

 **BENVOLIO:** Why not?

 **ROMEO:** I dreamed a dream last night.

 **MERCUTIO:** So did I, and so did Fantine from Les Mis when hope was high and life worth living.

 **ROMEO:** Well, what did you dream?

 **MERCUTIO:** That dreamers are often full of shit. C’mon, buddy! Let’s crash this party like we’re Nick Carraway and it’s 1922.

 **ROMEO:** I don’t get that reference.

 **BENVOLIO:** He hasn’t taken AP Lang yet.

 **ROMEO:** You know what? I _will_ go to this party. But only if you two promise not to start breakdancing.

 **MERCUTIO:** Can I at least do the worm?

 **BENVOLIO:** Honey… no.

_She kisses MERC on the cheek, and everyone files into the Capulet home._

 

**SCENE THREE, INSIDE THE CAPULET HOME.**

_BENVO and MERC lean against each other with their arms folded, watching TYBALT, CAPULET, and JULIET dance. ROSALINE is MAYBE there. ROMEO stares longingly at JULIET from across the room._

**BENVOLIO:** What happened to Rosaline? Romeo’s, like, _totally_ ignoring her.

 **MERCUTIO:** Who’s he got his eye on, then?

 **BENVOLIO:** Oh. _Oh_ , you’re not gonna believe this.

 **MERCUTIO:** Not a Capulet girl?  
**BENVOLIO:** A Capulet girl.

 **MERCUTIO:** _(living for the drama)_ Wow. Never thought I'd live to see a Montague fall for a Capulet. Mark the day, Benvolio. 10:00 PM, May 18th, 1593.

 **BENVOLIO:** Oh, honey. We're well into 1597.

 **MERCUTIO:** Really?

 **BENVOLIO:** Look at them. Romeo’s totally smitten. Again.

 **MERCUTIO:** Oh, Benvo. That isn’t just ‘a Capulet girl.’

 **BENVOLIO:** Hm?

 **MERCUTIO:** That’s _the_ Capulet girl.

 **BENVOLIO:** Oh, holy fuck. That’s Juliet?

 **MERCUTIO:** That’s Juliet.

 **BENVOLIO:** _(also living for the drama)_ There is literally no way for this to end well.

 **MERCUTIO:** Yeah, but _I’ll_ be totally fine. C’mon, let’s eavesdrop. I bet Romeo’s monologuing.

_They approach ROMEO._

**ROMEO:** O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

 **MERCUTIO:** How can he say that with a straight face?

 **BENVOLIO:** Straight.

 **MERCUTIO:** That’s fair.

 **ROMEO:** It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night!

 **MERCUTIO:** I feel like I should record this and upload it to ThouTube so I can embarrass him with it later.

 **ROMEO:** Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

_MERC and BENVO laugh and mimic him. Suddenly--TYBALT!_

**TYBALT:** I hear a Montague!

 **MERCUTIO:** _Hear_ a Montague? Are you, like, able to distinguish them based on voice?

 **TYBALT:** Well, Capulets have exaggerated Southern accents and Montagues don’t, so it’s kind of hard to miss.

 **MERCUTIO:** That’s fair.

 **TYBALT:** CAPULET!

_CAPULET saunters over._

**TYBALT:** Romeo Montague is _here_!

 **CAPULET:** Eh, whatever.

 **TYBALT:** He’s talking to your daughter!

 **CAPULET:** Eh, whatever.

 **TYBALT:** His whole family are your whole family’s mortal enemies!

 **CAPULET:** Eh, whatever.

 **TYBALT:** What?!

 **CAPULET:** Tybalt, I’m in party mode, which is radically different than kill-all-Montagues mode. I’ll let him talk to Juliet. What could go wrong? It’s not like they could fall in love in two minutes.

 **ROMEO:** We’ve fallen in love in two minutes!

 **MERCUTIO:** It be like that sometimes. That said… _(she pulls ROMEO aside)_ we should get out of here.

 **ROMEO:** But I just met the love of my life!

 **MERCUTIO:** And the cause of your death.

 **BENVOLIO:** Spoilers! _(to ROMEO)_ But Merc is right. Let’s go, before Tybalt stabs you. Or me. He did try to kill me earlier today.

 **ROMEO:** And you didn’t tell anyone?

 **BENVOLIO:** I mean, that’s just what Tybalt does. _(sighs)_ Every Tuesday after school.

 **MERCUTIO:** C’mon, Romes.

_ROMEO blows a kiss to JULIET, who blows one back. He follows MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO out. The party guests exit opposite._

 

**SCENE FOUR, THAT SAME NIGHT.**

_ENTER ROMEO, who crouches, but not like a creep I guess, and looks toward JULIET’S BALCONY. After a moment, JULIET emerges, haloed in the light emanating from the windows behind her. She takes in the beauty of the stars, the clean air, the calm tranquility of the evening, and spits into the garden._

**JULIET:** Motherfucker.

_After a moment:_

Oh right! O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name! What’s in a name? How do you pronounce your name? Mon-tag? Mon-tayg? Mon-tayje? Mon-ologue? Mon-ty-python-and-the-holy-grail? Mom-said-it’s-my-turn-on-the-xbox?

 **ROMEO:** It’s pronounced Mon-ta-gyoo!

 **JULIET:** Mountain Dew?

 **ROMEO:** Montague!

 **JULIET:** Love that’s true?

 **ROMEO:** Well, that too!

 **R &J:** Me and you!

_They stretch their hands across to each other and laugh._

**JULIET:** Good night, love of my life!

 **ROMEO:** Good night, my future wife!

_After blowing each other more kisses, they exit._

 

**SCENE FIVE, A NONSPECIFIC STREET, MAYBE THE SAME ONE AS BEFORE.**

**BENVOLIO:** _(panicked)_ Tybalt’s challenged Romeo to a duel!

 **MERCUTIO:** I’m shocked.

 **BENVOLIO:** But Romeo didn’t even say anything to him. He just went to a party!

 **MERCUTIO:** Like Tybalt needs an excuse to fight people. He fights you all the time--

 **M &B: **Every Tuesday after school.

 **BENVOLIO:** Right, but this is different. Romeo’s fourteen. Like, I get it--high school freshmen are annoying as fuck--but just because I _want_ to stab them doesn’t mean I _do_. Tybalt is ridiculous, and he’s--

 **MERCUTIO:** On his way here. _(she indicates)_ Look.

_ENTER TYBALT stage left, surrounded by CAPULETS._

**BENVOLIO:** What are we going to do?

 **MERCUTIO:** I’ll take care of things, because you _(she takes BENVOLIO’s sword)_ don’t have a sword. _She kisses Ben on the forehead; then:_ Yo, Tybalt! Are you DTF?

 **TYBALT:** Excuse me?  
**BENVOLIO:** Down to fight.

 **TYBALT:** Down to fight? Uh, always! Did you even read my Sparknotes character analysis?

_TYBALT draws his sword (JIF) and readies it against BENVOLIO’S/MERCUTIO’S sword (GIF). From stage right come various MONTAGUES._

**TYBALT:** _(hollering)_ MARVEL OR DC?

 **MONTAGUES:** MARVEL!

 **CAPULETS:** DC!

_They fight._

**TYBALT:** _(hollering)_ COOKIE OR CREME?

 **CAPULETS:** COOKIE!

 **MONTAGUES:** CREME!

_They fight._

**TYBALT:** STAR TREK OR STAR WARS?

 **MONTAGUES:** STAR TREK!

 **CAPULETS:** STAR WARS!

_They fight._

**TYBALT:** _(hollering)_ BLUE AND BLACK OR WHITE AND GOLD?

 **CAPULETS:** BLUE AND BLACK!

 **MONTAGUES:** WHITE AND GOLD!

_They fight._

**TYBALT:** _(hollering)_ ARE YOU READY FOR A _REALLY_ BAD ONE?

 **MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS, UNITED FOR A ONE SHINING MOMENT:** YEAH!

 **TYBALT:** _(hollering)_ TEAM EDWARD OR TEAM JACOB?

_In the ensuing MASS OF GROANS from BOTH SIDES, TYBALT stabs MERCUTIO. BENVOLIO screeches._

**BENVOLIO:** MERCUTIO DOWN!

_The MONTAGUES and CAPULETS separate._

**MERCUTIO:** _(dying for the drama)_ It’s just a flesh wound.

 **TYBALT:** You’re dying.

 **MERCUTIO:** _(still dying for the drama)_ ’Tis but a scratch. Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, 'tis enough. _(winces)_ A plague on both your houses! The Bubonic Plague on both your houses! May you all get fever, chills, headache, fatigue, and muscle aches! May you all get swollen lymph nodes as big as chicken eggs! May you get them in really awkward places! I’m dead! Goodbye!

_Benvolio kneels beside her and cries._

**MERCUTIO:** Oh, and one more thing!

 **BENVOLIO:** _(blinking away tears)_ What?

 **MERCUTIO:** It’s Team Alice.

 **BENVOLIO:** _(wiping her eyes)_ That’s why they had to kill you. You’re too powerful.

_MERCUTIO DIES. ENTER ROMEO._

**ROMEO:** GUESS WHAT? I’m a Montague-Capulet! Juliet and I just got--oh my god. This is probably a bad time to mention I got married in Friar Laurence’s cell last night.

 **TYBALT:** How?

 **ROMEO:** Well, the weird thing about the Catholic Church is that they’ll marry teenagers but won’t marry gay people. Anyway, Friar Laurence is a real bro. _(he looks around)_ Oh my god. Did you kill Mercutio?

 **TYBALT:** _(backing away)_ It be like that sometimes.

 **ROMEO:** You done goofed, sir.

_He stabs TYBALT._

**TYBALT:** Montague more like Monta-EW!

 **ROMEO:** Capulet more like--shoot, I can’t think of anything.

 **TYBALT:** Ha!

_TYBALT dies._

**ROMEO:** _(wiping his blade)_ Benvolio, your Tuesday afternoons are safe. C’mon, let’s get out of here.

_He pulls a grieving BENVOLIO off, and the MONTAGUES and CAPULETS exit opposite, taking the corpses with them._

 

**SCENE SIX, THE CAPULET HOME.**

**CAPULET:** Juliet, we have bad news.

 **JULIET:** What happened?

 **LADY CAPULET:** Your cousin, Tybalt, was murdered.

 **JULIET:** _(a la Malcolm in Macbeth)_ O, by whom?

 **CAPULET:** Romeo. But don’t worry! We’ve just banished him from the city, and we’ll kill him if he returns.

 **JULIET:** Romeo killed Tybalt? Why?

_(silence)_

**JULIET:** WHY?

 **LADY CAPULET:** I mean, Tybalt was trying to kill _him_ \--and had already killed Mercutio--but we don’t talk about that.

 **JULIET:** Why not?

 **LADY CAPULET:** Because talking about it would require thinking about it.

 **JULIET:** And why can’t you think about it?

 **CAPULET:** Because we need to continue the family feud, and the family feud relies on a total lack of critical thinking.

 **JULIET:** But you _should_ think! About the amount of death this feud has caused! Because all these deaths are partially on your shoulders; don’t you see? Can’t you hear me?

 **CAPULET:** Aw, isn’t it cute? A little girl thinking she has something important to say.

 **JULIET:** But I do! Oh, poor Tybalt! And Romeo’s gone!

 **CAPULET:** Yeah, Romeo’s gone, but you didn’t, like, _know_ him. Did you?

 **JULIET:** Of course not, and we totally didn’t get married in Friar Laurence’s cell last night!

 **CAPULET:** What?

 **LADY CAPULET:** You and Romeo got married in Friar Laurence’s cell last night?!

 **JULIET:** No, I said we _didn’t_ get married in Friar Laurence’s cell last night.

 **CAPULET:** That’s an oddly specific circumstance to deny.

 **JULIET:** I’m just covering all my bases! Listen, I’m gonna go grieve in my room for like… a few hours. You know? Teenage girl emotions? Those weird mysterious things men make no effort to understand? And I’m not going to sneak out to Friar Laurence’s cell to secretly meet up with Romeo before he leaves.

 **LADY CAPULET:** You’re going to sneak out to Friar Laurence’s cell to secretly meet up with Romeo before he leaves?!

 **JULIET:** No, I said I’m _not_ going to sneak out to Friar Laurence’s cell to secretly meet up with Romeo before he leaves. I’ll be in my room crying. Don’t bother checking, though.

_She storms out. Her parents shrug and exit opposite._

 

**SCENE SEVEN, FRIAR LAURENCE’S CELL**

_ROMEO runs on from one side, JULIET from the other. They meet in the center of the stage and spin each other around, happy! They might be about to kiss, but FRIAR LAURENCE clears his throat, and they split apart lightning fast. JULIET’s face falls as she remembers her circumstances._

**ROMEO:** Juliet, what’s wrong? _(off her disbelieving look)_ Okay, all things considered, that was probably a stupid question.

 **ROMEO:** _(simultaneously with JULIET)_ I killed your cousin!

 **JULIET:** _(simultaneously with ROMEO)_ You’re going to be banished!

 **ROMEO:** Wait, you’re like… totally chill that I killed your cousin?

 **JULIET:** Well, was going to kill _you_ , right? _(a la Chicago)_ Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, you both, oh yes you both, oh yes you both reached for the sword, the sword, the sword, the sword--

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** Heeeey, I’m not sure if you remember or anything, but Romeo’s gotta leave the city, or he’ll be killed. Also, if you keep singing that, we’ll have copyright issues.

 **ROMEO:** Right! Right! Juliet, I love you, and I’ll come back for you! Love, uh, finds a way! I love you!

_ROMEO EXITS._

**JULIET:** I love you, too! _(she turns)_ Well, Friar Laurence, you’re… god-ish? Godly? Holy? Sacred?

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** A monk.

 **JULIET:** A monk! So, do you have a good idea for how to fix this situation?

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** No.

 **JULIET:** Well, then.

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** But I do have a _bad_ idea for how to fix this situation!

 **JULIET:** What is it?

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** _(counting on his fingers)_ One: fake your death with this handy-dandy vial of fake poison I’ve had tucked away this whole time; two: your parents will think you’ve died of grief, as so many Shakespearean women do; three: they’ll bury you in the Capulet tomb; four: I’ll tell Romeo what you’ve done; five: he retrieves you from the tomb; six: you ride off into the sunset together; seven: everything is fine!

 **JULIET:** That’s not likely to work.

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** The alternative, of course, is your parents actually listening to you talk about your feelings.

 **JULIET:** That’s even less likely to work! Fine, gimme that. _(She chugs the poison and topples to the floor.)_

 **FRIAR LAURENCE:** I didn’t mean drink it _right now!_ Christ, in the time I took to explain my plan, Romeo’s probably already out of the city. I’ll write him a letter explaining what he needs to do. The worst thing possible would be for him to come back and think Juliet’s really dead! Fortunately, thanks to the super-reliable postal service of Late Renaissance England, that’s not gonna happen.

_FRIAR LAURENCE exits; JULIET remains senseless on the ground, but clearly breathing._

 

**SCENE EIGHT, CAPULET TOMB**

_ENTER BENVOLIO._

**BENVOLIO:** I’ll cut to the chase for you: one, Juliet faked her death with the handy-dandy vial of fake poison the Friar had tucked away this whole time; two: her parents thought she’d died of grief, as so many Shakespearean women do; three: they buried her in the Capulet tomb. The first three steps of Friar Laurence’s plan worked perfectly. Unfortunately, Late Renaissance England did not have a super-reliable postal service--or maybe they did, and it just happened not to work this time. At any rate, in a plot device almost as random as Hamlet getting kidnapped by pirates, Friar Laurence’s friend who was supposed to deliver the crucial letter to Romeo couldn’t deliver it because he got quarantined for contracting a plague. Now, I’m not saying it’s because Mercutio said, ‘A plague on both your houses,’ but it’s because Mercutio said ‘A plague on both your houses.’ Thanks, dude--now Romeo and Juliet are gonna die.

 **MERCUTIO’S VOICE:** _(from off)_ That’s the point of the play! Young infatuations grow too strong and cause destruction!

 **BENVOLIO:** No! That’s not the point of the play! That’s what _adults_ think it is! They mourn for Romeo and Juliet, and they place themselves in Romeo and Juliet’s shoes, but they don’t understand that they’re _not_ Romeo and Juliet--they’re the Capulets and the Montagues, they’re the people that keep Romeo and Juliet apart! Only children know what it’s like to have your emotions, your mind, and your complexities so utterly dismissed by all the adults around you, even your own parents! The point of this play isn’t ‘haha, young people, so foolish;’ the point of the play is that there’s a pure love between two innocent dreamers in a world of fighters; two kids attempt to realise themselves and put aside decades of battles and bitterness, but life just _mows them down_ , one after the other, and it's tragic because they could have brought peace with their love but the constraints of their families meant they could only bring peace with their death--and at its core this is a story of children--Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet, you--who've inherited their parents' struggles before they fully understood them, and they die because the adults around them would rather be hateful and narrow-minded than compassionate and open-hearted, and--

_ENTER ROMEO._

**ROMEO:** Wow, spoilers!

 **MERCUTIO’S VOICE:** _(from off)_ You were part of the Prologue. You literally said, along with everyone else, “Roro and Julie die.” You had full knowledge of this.

 **ROMEO:** Well, let’s get right to it, then. _(he sees JULIET on the ground and dives toward her)_ Oh my god! Juliet, my love! You’re so beautiful in death! It’s almost as if you’re still alive!

 **BENVOLIO:** I can’t watch this.

_EXIT BENVOLIO._

**ROMEO:** You’re still breathing and everything! Wow, what an odd thing death is. I guess it really is just sleeping, sleeping, perchance dreaming--and if you get to breathe and everything, it can’t be so bad. Here’s to my love! _(he drinks his own vial of poison_ ) I bought my own poison, by the way. Just like you did, honey! Gosh, we really are soulmates.

_Just like JULIET, ROMEO topples to the floor. After a moment, JULIET wakes up._

**JULIET:** Romeo? Romeo, you came back for me! Romeo--you’re DEAD?! Friar Laurence, you absolute hoe! _(a realisation)_ I… gotta kill myself. _(steeling herself)_ Well, at least I’m already in my tomb. It’ll save some people the trouble of burial. _(steeling herself again)_ Well, no point in waiting--although, if Romeo had waited, I’d have woken up, and we’d have lived happily ever after. Moral of the story, always take a bunch of time to cry, and overthink every action before doing anything. That didn’t work out so well for Hamlet, though--ah, well. There’s no escaping your death if the Prologue spells it out for you. _(she takes ROMEO’s vial of poison)_ I am more an antique Roman than a Dane! Here’s yet some liquor left-- _(upends the vial)_ oh, nope, there isn’t actually any left. Let’s do this the hard way, then. _(she takes out her dagger and attempts to stab herself)_ Frick, just like I thought. The multiple layers of Elizabethan clothing girls were forced to wear makes self-slaughter a little bit difficult. Hang on, bear with me--gotta take this off, then this--just a few more buttons to undo--do you think that--yeah, that’s probably fine. I’m not stripping any more, anyway. _(clears throat)_ But soft! What knife through yonder ribcage breaks? _(stabs herself)_ Ow. _(pause)_ I don’t know what I expected that to feel like.

_She topples over, and the lighting darkens, then, gradually, brightens to something more unearly._

_ENTER TYBALT, slow-clapping._

**TYBALT:** It’s not fun, is it? Being killed.

_ROMEO cracks an eye._

**ROMEO:** Sorry about that. Killing you.

 **TYBALT:** It’s alright. _(he points upward)_ Your parents just discovered your bodies. The feud’s over. We can be bros now. _(TYBALT helps ROMEO to his feet, and ROMEO, in turn, helps JULIET. ALL CHARACTERS examine this oddly-lit world in which they find themselves.)_

 **ROMEO:** Where are we?

_ENTER MERCUTIO._

**MERCUTIO:** We’re dead, I think. I know I am. _(she laughs)_ Welcome to the club, guys.

 **JULIET:** That’s the thing, though. We’re not dead. Not as long as we’re still out there, being read, being performed, and teaching others that--well--that love trumps hate. We needed to die so we could create a story that might move someone--even just one person--to be a little bit softer, and little bit kinder, a little bit more open minded to love. And if we did that and continue to do that, we can’t really die! If people are still writing and rewriting stories based off of ours, we’re alive. If we’re in a book or on a stage, anywhere in the world, we’re alive. Even if we’re dead, we’re alive--and we’re powerful. You say we’re dead, but we’ve never been more immortal--because that’s what it is to be Romeo and Juliet. Every night we die, but the night after we come back to life, come back to love--come back to each other. Like we did tonight. Like we’ll do tomorrow. And we didn’t even need iambic pentameter.

_ENTER BENVOLIO; ENTER FRIAR LAURENCE; ENTER SAMPSON, GREGORY, ABRAHAM, BALTHASAR; ENTER THE CAPULETS AND THE MONTAGUES, ARM IN ARM, LIKE FAMILY._

**ROMEO:** And, because every good play ends in rhyme…

 **ALL CHARACTERS:** We hoped you liked the show! See you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> i have a lot of emotions about these guys ok


End file.
